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Agony

tears
I ran out of my house slamming the front door shut at my heels. I sprang out onto my driveway frantically gasping for air. There was no loud piercing sound, yet, white noise flooded my eardrums. My eyes darted to the surrounding houses full of people, families, children; how could this street sit so peacefully when the earth had just crumbled. I desperately sucked in the chilled November air. The realization of being utterly alone in my shattering despair sinking in. My home, in his arms, no longer ceased to exist.
I began to run. I ran to the edge of my gated subdivision, lifting myself over the closed gate, banging my knee on the rusted metal as I leaped over.
Why was the gate always locked at the most inconvenient times. 
 
I ran to the beginning of the nearest road, took a right down the main street, and sprinted as fast as my legs would carry me. My chest getting tighter and tighter with each long stride. I ran until I came upon an empty backroad, then I ran some more. I ran until my body could no longer race the thoughts in my head.
He doesn’t want me. 
 
I stopped under the only light post on the empty road. My breathing was ragged, my throat burning. I swallowed the scream attempting to escape my lips. The reverberate of the scream pounded in my throat to the thrashing of my heartbeat as it quivered back down into my very being. I heeled over choking on air, gripping tightly onto my thighs to resist the divine urge to fall to my knees and howl out like an injured animal. My numb body shook. My chest repeatedly convulsing as silent cries dispensed from within me. Tears poured from my eyes. The incandescent street light exposing me. The stark feeling of emptiness overtook me. A feeling that I was all too familiar with. I welcomed it back to me, it was dark, but familiar.

He’s not coming for you. 
 
I stared up into the yellow grit sky.
He’s not coming for you.

The thought was wicked, but true. The silent sobs grew louder, turning hysterical. I took some comfort in knowing no one was around to witness my heart break. Moments passed. I relentlessly began picking up my feet, walking forward into the darkness. My arms wrapped around my torso where the aching pain was bleeding out from within me. I walked down an empty, dark road for what seemed like the entire night. My sobs grew softer, filling the air. Growing tired, I stared up at the moon with cloudy eyes.

For some strange reason I had a feeling that I wasn’t the only one who had just broken down. Somewhere, somehow, I knew that he felt my agony too.  My body was weak, but I kept walking. I walked until I fell into a dream-like state that carried me home, allowing me to collapse onto my bed into a dreamless sleep.

Artwork by Thomas Saliot
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